Fantasy (almost) Makes Reality Bearable:

As I'm sure everyone knows, it's EO day again. Hasn't started yet, but then again, the beer in the fridge hasn't gotten cold enough yet. It's starting to be ok, though, because I have my fantasy world that I can escape into and it blocks out reality (until, of course, HE speaks....). Love isn't supposed to be like this. I almost knew that years ago. Anybody remember that one Al Pacino movie... not sure of the name of it... but "just when you think you're out, they pull you back in..."
Til next time then....

Butterfly Effect

Been a couple of days since I've been on here... same old shit, different day. Yesterday was "every other" day... Those of you (where the hell are you anyways??) who read this, know what that is. Did anybody ever see that movie "The Butterfly Effect"? Where he went back in time and changed different aspects to try to make everything turn out perfect? I recently was given the opportunity to see one area of my life, where if I would've made a different decision, maybe things would be better. But, then again, fantasy is obviously always better than reality. Til next time then.....

Just Another Day

Feeling colorful today, so I thought I'd blog in purple. Haven't been on here in a few days. Doesn't really matter, nobody is following this anyways. Today is what I call the "every other" day. There'll be drinking tonight. It's every other day, hence the name. I had an "if you can't beat them, join them" attitude this week. I have drank right along with him 2 nights and we ended up staying up until 7 in the morning both times. Tonight, I'll be drinking Bailey's and coffee. Will I turn into an alcoholic, also? We'll see. Seems I'm at the "whatever it takes to keep him" stage. Not good. God will get me for this, I just know it!

On another note, an old boyfriend from the Navy got in touch with me yesterday. Unbeknownst to me, I guess he had quite the crush back then. I thought it was just a fling. Who knew? Certainly, not me. He is living in upstate New York and is a cop now. It's always good to hear from old friends and know that life is treating them well. "Thank you, Jesus" I always say.

Well, time to finish up the housework, do my online classes and get ready for every other night.

Til next time then.....

I Know I'm Not the Only One Out There

When you're in love with someone that is an alcoholic, you feel like you're the only one in the world dealing with this same problem. In my own case, I can't talk to friends and family because they would all just say "I told you so. Now get out and stay out." Realizing that, because of the love I feel, that is not an option for me is the reason I have started this blog. To find others in the same situation and perhaps be able to provide moral support as well as gain some moral support for myself. Hoping to hear from some of you. 'Til next time then....

So this is what I think:

I call life a journey. I feel that it is a series of phases and lessons we all go through, learning from each other and teaching just the same. I've entered and exited many phases during my 42 years on this earth. There has been one constant, from pretty much day one, I think. Alcohol. My grandfather was an alcoholic, my dad was an alcoholic, I drank way too much in high school, sis.. same thing, and it seems like the only men I attract are alcoholics. What does that say about me, I wonder? I, by the way, don't drink anymore. Can't stand the way it makes people act. How it takes a perfectly wonderful personality and turns it into a blabbering fool in a matter of 3 drinks or so (depending on tolerance... both the bodies tolerance to the alcohol, and your tolerance of the fool doing it). My stepmother, God rest her soul, died of alcohol related heart problems... and she only drank on Saturday nights! My dad was sooo bad to her, beating her and everything. After she died, he grieved until the day he died over her. I thought that it was very ironic that he treated her so badly and then felt that he had the right to gain sympathy by being a "grieving widower". I'm sure that sounds very hardcore, but I have, unfortunately, been jaded by seeing and feeling too much abuse due to alcohol. I went to the alanon/alateen site to see if there was an online support group, but it just gives listings of meetings that I could attend in my area. It's been an ongoing, nonstop cycle of dealing with alcohol, like I said, from day one. I had the best boyfriend in high school. The love of my life who always treated me like a princess and never hurt me or any other soul. Circumstances beyond our control tore us apart back then. Now, 25 years later, we're back together. YOU GUESSED IT, HE'S AN ALCOHOLIC NOW!!! Unbelievable, right? The one person who I could always count on and never have to fear is now the very thing I've been running from my whole life. I know that God has a plan for all of us and I felt that I had wandered off that path many years ago. I know that I am back on it, and have given my heart to Jesus. I can't help but wonder if I am being punished for some past sin or possibly even being tormented by the devil because he knows I love Jesus. Don't get me wrong, my bf is still the love of my life and my best friend, so I fully intend to see this thing through. I just hope that the alcohol doesn't do to us what it's been doing my whole life... destroying anything in it's path. You've heard, I'm sure, of the term Devil's Brew? Well, to me, that is what alcohol is... in any form. Even though I'm not a drinker anymore, on rare occasions when I do drink 1 or 2 beers, even that small amount changes my personality and makes me sick to my stomach. So I guess I don't see the appeal nor the very reason that so many people are addicted to it. I do know one thing, problems or not, a love as strong as the one I have with my bf is a one in a million thing and I'm not giving it up, not now or ever. Maybe that's my addiction? If I take it in that context, than I start to understand the hold of alcohol over people. Who knows? Well, thanks for listening and feel free to comment. Until next time then.....